Third attempt

Third time *better* be a charm. It's funny that in my time away from this (granted, very incipient) blog, I've become an even more avid blog reader than before. And every time I get inspired by a post, I tell myself "Damn, I should resurrect my blog," but the idea of starting over always seems too daunting. So here I am, facing my fears and whatnot.

I've been incredibly productive since the summer. My summer research ended up going extremely well, despite the rough start. The summer in general was fabulous: chill enough that I didn't feel overwhelmed, but I managed to do everything I wanted to do. Which, of course, should have been a sign that I was about to embark on the Semester of Pure Hell.

It didn't feel that bad while it was underway, but reflecting back on it, I don't know how I survived. What I have to show for it? A finished thesis that I'm exceedingly proud of and a good command of my newest foreign language. And, as of last week, my first acceptance, with full funding, to a Ph.D. program.

Maybe I should be elated, but I mostly feel relieved. The program is not my top choice, but it's a good fit and I would be happy to go there. But mainly, it just feels good to know that I *am* going somewhere, that I can plan to spend the next 6+ years of my life in grad school. I'm a planner; I don't deal well with uncertainty, because it doesn't allow me to map out my plans.

Going to the program that has accepted me would mean staying on This Coast, where Feisty Boy and most of my friends are. My top choice is on the Other Choice; my current acceptance hovers somewhere between my second and third choice. In many ways, my life would be radically different depending on what program I choose. I've never had to make that kind of life-altering decision with such little control over the circumstances--I have felt so impotent since submitting my applications.

While I wait for decisions to come in, I spend my time drafting budgets and researching costs of living and moving options for all of the five cities I could poentially end up in (although, after having received this offer, it's most unlikely I'll chose to go to my fourth and fifth choices). My work is suffering for it, but I can't help it.

Yes, I have control issues.